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Understanding Unintentional Discouragement: A Guide for Parents

Trina Rymland • September 24, 2024

Are you unintentionally discouraging your kids?

Sometimes even our best intentions can backfire and leave our kids feeling discouraged. It’s easy to fall into patterns that accidentally undermine our kid’s confidence and resilience. Here are some common ways we might unintentionally discourage our children, along with some tips for creating a more supportive vibe at home.

1. Neglecting Emotional Needs

Unintended result: Ignoring emotions can lead to disconnection.

In the rush of daily life, the emotional needs of your kids can sometimes take a back seat. If children are made to feel that their emotions aren’t valid or understood, it can lead to discouragement. Create a safe space for them to express their emotions without fear of judgment.

Tip: When things are calm, make time to check in with your child about their feelings. Use open-ended questions like, “Tell me more?” or “How did that make you feel?” to encourage sharing. Try to spend a little uninterrupted time together everyday.

2. Constant Comparison

Unintended result: Comparison can create resentment and a fixed mindset.

Comparing a child to siblings, peers, or even your own past self can lead to feelings of inadequacy. Children need to know they are valued for who they are, not who they could be compared to others. Everyone has different strengths and intelligences - identify and celebrate your child’s interests to help them build their self-esteem.

Tip: Instead of comparing, teach your child the skills they need help with. Encourage individual pursuits and highlight personal progress. Remind them that everyone has their own journey.

3. Micromanagement

Unintended result: Micromanagement limits independence.

While it’s natural to want to guide our children, overly controlling their activities can stifle their independence and problem-solving abilities. Children need the space to make mistakes and learn from them. Instead of stepping in immediately, allow them to navigate challenges on their own.

Tip: Offer guidance when asked, but let them take the lead. Rather than immediately answering their questions, ask a different question that prompts them to think critically about solutions rather than providing answers.

4. Overemphasis on Achievement

Unintended result: Emphasis on achievement can limit growth.

Many parents feel pressure to see their children succeed academically or athletically. While striving for excellence is important, overly focusing on achievements can create a fear of failure. Instead of praising results, celebrate effort and growth. For instance, when a child struggles with a math problem, acknowledge their hard work and problem-solving skills rather than just the correct answer.

Tip: Focus on the effort rather than the end result. Use phrases like, “I’m proud of how hard you tried,” instead of just “Great job on your test!”

5. Unrealistic Expectations

Unintended result: Unrealistic expectations breed anxiety and apathy.

Setting high standards can motivate children, but if those expectations are consistently out of reach, they can feel overwhelmed and defeated. It’s important to have a balance between encouraging ambition and recognizing limitations.

Tip: Become familiar with age-appropriate expectations. Discuss goals collaboratively with your child and break them down into achievable steps. Celebrate milestones along the way, no matter how small.

6. Labeling/Name Calling

Unintended result: Negative (or any) labels can shape self-perception.

Sometimes, parents might unintentionally use labels—like “the shy one” or “the troublemaker”—which can stick with children and shape how they see themselves. These names can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, leading kids to internalize these identities. It’s crucial to be mindful of the language we use when discussing our children.

Tip: Focus on behaviors rather than labeling the child. Instead of saying, “You’re so messy,” try, “Let’s work together to clean up your space.”

It's easy to unintentionally create situations that rob our kids of the purpose and significance they need for positive growth, leaving them feeling discouraged - AND a discouraged child is ultimately more likely to misbehave. By being mindful of our words and actions, we can create an environment that nurtures confidence and resilience - and better behavior.

Remember, it’s not just about avoiding discouragement; it’s about actively fostering a space where children feel valued and empowered to express themselves. Let’s strive to be the supportive guides our children need as they navigate their own paths.

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Giving Conscious Parenting Guidelines to Grandparents

By Trina Rymland • January 10, 2025

Giving Guidelines to Grandparents: A Guide to Conscious Parenting Without Offending Grandparents are often eager to spend time with their grandchildren, offering love and care in their own unique way. They bring years of experience and wisdom, but generational differences can sometimes lead to misunderstandings when it comes to childcare. If you're adopting a more conscious or modern parenting approach, you may want to gently offer guidelines for how you'd like your child to be cared for when they stay with their grandparents. Here's how to communicate these needs thoughtfully, ensuring that your desire is clear while preserving your relationship. 1. Start with Appreciation Begin by acknowledging the love and care that grandparents have for your child. Let them know you deeply appreciate their involvement in your child's life. For instance, you could say: "I really appreciate the time you spend with [child's name]. It means a lot to me that you are such a big part of their life." By setting a positive tone, you lay the groundwork for an open and respectful conversation. 2. Acknowledge Their Experience Grandparents often come with years of experience and have seen many different parenting styles. Acknowledge that you respect their knowledge and the wisdom they bring, while gently introducing the fact that times and approaches have changed. Acknowledge their experience while making space for new ideas. "I know you have so much experience with raising children, and hearing your stories really helps me understand where you are coming from. I’m sure you can see that things have changed a bit since you were a parent, and if you think it could be helpful, I’d like to share the approach I’ve been taking with [child's name], just to make sure we're all on the same page." This helps create a tone of mutual respect rather than correction. 3. Share Your Parenting Philosophy Explain the reasoning behind your conscious parenting choices. Instead of simply laying down rules, share your philosophy. This helps grandparents understand your mindset and how it benefits your child. For example: "I've been focusing a lot on mindful parenting lately. For me, it's about guiding [child's name] with patience and understanding. I try to avoid punishment and instead work with them to help them understand their feelings and actions." When grandparents understand the "why" behind your choices, they may be more open to adopting them in their caregiving. 4. Keep It Simple and Positive Be clear but gentle in offering specific guidelines. Choose your words carefully to avoid sounding overly critical. Frame your guidelines in a way that reflects your desire for consistency and safety without implying that their way is wrong. For example: "When we’re at home, we like to keep a consistent bedtime routine, and I’d love for that to stay the same when they’re with you. It really helps them settle down for the night." By keeping your tone positive and focusing on the benefits, you make it easier for your parents to follow the guidelines without feeling defensive. 5. Offer Practical Tips Instead of simply telling them what to do, offer practical suggestions for implementing your guidelines. For instance: "If [child's name] gets upset, I’ve found that offering a calm, quiet space to settle down works better than raising our voices. You might try sitting with them for a few minutes and helping them talk about what’s going on." This not only explains your preference but also equips your parents with tools to succeed in following it. 6. Involve Them in the Process Sometimes, grandparents may feel like their experience and authority are being undermined. To avoid this, involve them in the process of conscious parenting. Encourage them to share their thoughts or ask questions. "I'd love to hear your thoughts on this approach. If you ever feel uncertain or need any tips, just let me know! I’m always happy to chat and find what works best for everyone." This shows that you're open to collaboration and not just imposing rules. 7. Be Understanding and Flexible Understand that it may take some time for grandparents to adjust to your approach, especially if their previous experiences differ. Offer support and be patient with them as they try to implement your guidelines. You might say: "I know it can be a big shift, so please don't worry if things don't always go perfectly. We're all learning and growing, and I appreciate your patience and your effort in trying to do it differently." This approach helps reduce pressure on your parents and makes them feel supported rather than criticized. 8. Keep Communication Open Make sure that communication lines are always open. Let them know that if they have any concerns or questions, they can always reach out to you. Having an open dialogue ensures that everyone feels comfortable and confident in the caregiving process. "If you ever have any questions or if something doesn’t seem to be working, don’t hesitate to call me. I want to make sure we’re all on the same page and that everyone has a good experience." This helps foster ongoing collaboration and support between you and your parents. Conclusion Setting guidelines for grandparents with a conscious parenting approach can be tricky, but it’s all about balance, respect, and communication. By focusing on your child’s well-being, showing appreciation for their help, and being clear about your desires, you can ensure your child’s care aligns with your values while maintaining a strong and positive relationship with your parents. By approaching the situation with empathy and patience, you can create an environment where both generations feel understood, respected, and supported.